From Dream to Reality: An Intended Parent's Journey with Egg Donation
Today, we are honoured to welcome Allie as our special guest. Allie's story is one of unwavering determination and hope. Allie's journey to motherhood, marked by her choice to use an egg from an anonymous donor sourced from an egg bank, is both touching and enlightening. As an Intended Parent, she navigates the complex emotions and decisions involved in this process and shines a light on her advocacy for known egg donation. Drawing from her experiences, Allie offers valuable insights and guidance, the kind she wishes had been available to her earlier.
Shruti: Tell us about you!
Hi, I'm Allie. I was born and raised in the open prairies of central Alberta. I'm a wife and mother to an amazing 1-year-old daughter. Having been raised in a big, loving family, the dream of becoming a mother was something I always cherished. But life had its plans. In my early twenties, I was faced with the hard truth that my fertility levels weren't ideal. This marked the beginning of a long, often tough journey with fertility treatments, starting at 24.
For six years, it was a rollercoaster of treatments, medications, and hope. At 28, I went through an IVF cycle and, a year later, began the process of finding an egg donor. Finally, the most wonderful thing happened - I became a mom.
Katie: Allie, how did you come to the decision to use donor eggs?
So our journey of becoming parents via egg donation started quite a few years ago. We had struggled with infertility for quite a few years. We did a year of medicated cycles before moving on to IVF using my own eggs. It was at that time that we were told that kind of our only option to have children possibly would be via egg donation. We were given a less than 5% chance of having a child using my own eggs. So obviously, it wasn't a path we chose, but it was the path we were given. And now, looking back, I wouldn't change a thing about it. It was just the way God has intended our life to work out.
Shruti: How did infertility affect you emotionally?
Going through the infertility rollercoaster was and still is an incredibly emotional experience for me. I constantly had to remind myself that the end goal was to become a mom, and that's what kept me going.
The world of egg donation is quite silent. You hardly hear about it, and people don't talk about it openly. So, suddenly, I was navigating this foreign territory while struggling with infertility. It's such a huge emotional process. I had to take time to work through those emotions and figure out what mattered most to me. It was a journey of not just challenges but also of discovering my own resilience and understanding my priorities. My husband kept me in check!
Katie: How has egg donation impacted your family dynamics?
Since becoming parents through egg donation, our family dynamics really haven't changed much. We've always been a tight-knit family. I'm lucky to have such great family support. They were with me every step of the way through this journey, and I was incredibly blessed that there was no negativity at all. My relationship with my husband? It's definitely brought us closer together. We were not only deciding to bring a child into this world but also facing the reality of using someone else's eggs. This meant we had a lot of conversations that most couples probably never have. And through these conversations, we grew closer. He was always there, reeling me back in and reassuring me whenever I started to spiral out with concerns and what might seem like crazy questions.
So, yes, this journey has brought us closer, not just as a couple but also with our families. And now, we have our beautiful baby, we couldn't be happier!
Shruti: Since you used an anonymous egg donor, can you tell us how you feel about known donors now?
People often think that if you have a known donor, they might try to interfere with your child or influence your parenting. But, honestly, that's not true. The child is yours. The donor is just someone who helped give this incredible gift of life. I've had those fears myself, but after a lot of research and understanding why people choose to become donors, my perspective changed. I've learned that having a known donor, even if it's a minimal relationship, offers a solid foundation for your child. It's really about understanding their background so you can answer any questions your child might have later in life.
Katie: In our podcast preparation, Shruti and I were really eager to ask you about your feelings towards your daughter now that she's here. Do you see yourself in her or think about the egg donor? How do you feel about the genetic aspect now that she is here?
After going through the process of using an egg donor, my perspective on family and biological ties hasn't really changed. To us, our daughter is completely ours in every way. I never find myself wondering where certain traits come from or anything like that. She is my baby through and through. I might have borrowed an egg, but I grew her, and that's a significant distinction for me.
My view of the family remains as it always was, if anything, it’s expanded. It's been an extraordinary journey to become the family we are now, and there's absolutely no shame in it. I intend to be open about our journey. I want to tell her that while she might not inherit certain traits from her mom or dad, we are her parents in every sense – we love her unconditionally and support every decision she makes. Our ultimate goal is simply to raise good, loving kids.
Shruti: Could you share some resources you would recommend if someone is considering donor eggs?
Absolutely. For those looking into egg donation, I highly recommend Her Helping Habit. It's a great starting point because they have actual live donors, and the information they provide is incredibly helpful. Katie, in particular, is very knowledgeable about the entire process. Another valuable resource for us was the book - Three Makes a Baby. It's essentially a guide on parenting a child conceived through egg donation. We used to read it together in bed at night. It was really useful in helping us navigate some potentially awkward questions and moments.
However, since having our daughter, we haven't felt the need to refer back to it. Our journey and life now don't revolve around the fact that we used an egg donor. We're open about it, and it's just a part of our story. So, I definitely encourage looking up resources and organizations – there's a lot out there. And don't rely solely on your clinic. Clinics can be very transactional, unfortunately. They often direct you to large egg banks with donors from all over, which can feel a bit impersonal. It's essential to explore all your options and find what works best for your family.
Katie: How did your husband react to needing an egg donor?
My husband has been an absolute rock throughout this entire journey. He's always had this calm, cool, and collected demeanour about everything. The whole situation never really seemed to faze him. He was incredibly supportive, especially of my emotions, as we navigated through this journey. He's always had this ability to bring me back to center whenever I felt overwhelmed. He's been fantastic through it all. He sees our journey as simply the unique and beautiful way we became a family.
Shruti: How has your personal journey informed your work with intended parents at Her Helping Habit?
My hope is that by sharing my own experiences, I can help intended parents make informed decisions. I aim to be the support I didn't have, someone to talk to who truly understands what it's like to be in the midst of this process. It's not easy to find people to connect with when you're navigating something as complex as this. I really hope that in my work with Her Helping Habit, I can be a comforting and knowledgeable voice for intended parents. I want them to feel at ease reaching out, asking questions, and discussing their concerns.
Katie: What’s the craziest misconception or myth about egg donation you encountered?
One common myth about egg donation is that it needs to be a very secretive process. In the past, if someone used a donor, whether it be egg or sperm, the norm was not to tell the child. It was kept hush-hush, and the child was simply accepted as your own.
Nowadays, that seems like such a silly thing. These are people we're talking about, and this is their genetic identity and history. Being now fully immersed in this world, it's become second nature for us to discuss this path to parenthood openly. Our children will grow up knowing that using a donor isn't taboo. It's their life and all they will ever know. We don’t want them to feel any shame about it.
Shruti: What advice would you give to intended parents considering egg donation?
My biggest advice for intended parents looking into egg donation is to thoroughly do your research. Initially, we didn't have many resources to turn to. We trusted our clinic completely and followed their recommendations to use the egg banks they suggested.
My research was limited to Googling and following a few Instagram accounts of parents with egg donor babies. I didn't really have anyone to ask, even the smaller questions. Our clinic didn't inform us about known donor possibilities. In fact, when I considered using my sister as a known donor, they were not supportive of the idea. It felt like a closed-off option.
I think it's crucial for parents considering egg donation to take the time they need, not only to research but also to grieve. It's a significant step. You're choosing a woman who will contribute to shaping your future child, and whether you know this person or not is a big decision. Life can change unexpectedly. With an unknown donor, like in our case, if her health history changes or if our children have questions as they grow, we'll never have those answers.
Looking back, there are things I wish I had done differently. So, my advice to anyone in the egg donation process is to do their research, consider all aspects, and understand the long-term implications of your choices.
As the sunlight gently melted the snow outside our window, we concluded our session with Allie, deeply appreciative of her willingness to share her story with such openness and courage. Her journey from egg donation to motherhood is not just a narrative of resilience and strength but also an invaluable source of hope and encouragement. We trust that her experiences will resonate with and guide others who are navigating their own paths in this complex journey to parenthood.
Stay tuned for more stories and discussions in our "Fertility Frontier" series!